Coping with “Invisible Grief” During the Holidays

Grief is complicated, complex and heavy. As a grief therapist and an active griever myself, I know how difficult the holidays can feel- especially when you are coping with disenfranchised grief, or “invisible grief” as I like to call it. After a while, all grief feels invisible- in western culture, we barely acknowledge grief, even though it is a natural part of life and something we all go through. However, there is some grief that we are truly given no tools for, and it feels like we do not have any space at all to grieve. Some examples of disenfranchised grief include: Grieving an ex partner, who you were not in a relationship with when they died. Infertility, failed IVF cycles, miscarriages. Pet loss (Dogs, cats, and exotic pets!) Losing someone you were estranged to, or who was abusive to you. If you are a mental health worker or healthcare worker, experiencing the loss of a patient. Loss of health Losing someone who was not “blood family” but someone who was deeply significant to you, like “chosen family.” Grieving someone who is still alive, but will soon pass away. Maybe you are realizing this is most likely your last holiday with them. These are just a few examples of disenfranchised grief. There are countless more- maybe you are thinking of someone or some aspect of your life right now that you are grieving silently. Your grief is valid. All loss deserves space, because loss was once love. During the holidays, we are constantly reminded of “the most wonderful time of the year.” This is utterly polarizing when we are deep in our grief, and makes the loss feel so much more isolating. Grief is like carrying an invisible backpack of rocks around, that no one else can feel or imagine the heaviness. So how do we cope? Well, unfortunately there is no getting rid of our grief. It is here to stay, so we must learn to move with it, and grow around it. Sometimes, just naming that grief is here to stay is important- because without our grief, we would not have our love that we shared with the person or thing we are missing. Even if that love was complicated. Every person grieves differently- so how you choose to honor your grief is personal and up to you. Just because there was no traditional way to grieve this loss (like a funeral or a service), you can make your own. Maybe that is lighting a candle and talking to the person you have lost, writing out your feelings into a letter and letting it go in the wind or into a fire, maybe that is joining a grief group or making art to honor your grief. It is also important to name that during the holidays you are allowed to say no, or slow down. If going to a gathering feels too difficult right now, you are allowed to say no, or to leave early. It is important to be compassionate towards yourself during this process. You are human, and grief is a normal response to loss. You don’t have to fix anything. I highly recommend the book “Healing After Loss” by Martha W. Hickman. This book has daily meditations and words for all different types of grief, and it follows the calendar year. I personally every morning read the passage for that day, and take a few moments to silently honor my grief. If you are navigating this holiday season with invisible grief, know you are not alone. This is often the hardest part of grief- is how isolating it feels. Take care of yourself during this time, and I hope you find a way to honor your grief. –Deanna Doherty, LCSW, Clinical Director of Shifting Tides Psychotherapy